Tom comes home from a long day at work.  He flings off his shoes, shirt and stops at the fridge for a beer before getting down to business.  No, Tom is not planning a romantic evening with his wife, nor is he sitting down to work a second job, he is getting online with his friends to play XBOX live.  Tom doesn’t just play for an hour or two, he plays well into the wee hours of the morning, and his wife Judy has just about had it.  Judy is a nice looking woman, she takes care of the house and works a full time job.  When she comes home from work in the evening to look at the back of her husband’s head, it makes her blood boil.  She has tried to discuss this with him, but he doesn’t hear that what she is really saying is “If you continue making that game your number 1 priority, then I am out of here”.

Tom doesn’t realize that he is having marriage problems.  He thinks that she is just nagging and that it really doesn’t matter, but Judy sees it differently.  She sees his continued game playing as him saying that she doesn’t matter to him, and neither does their relationship.  So what should Tom do?

There is nothing wrong with having interests outside of your marriage, as a matter of fact this is a very healthy thing, however, when your outside interests become your life, so much so that even if your wife answered the door for you completely naked, that you would still head for the couch and play XBOX, then quite frankly you are either addicted to the game, or you are using playing this game to escape from reality and your wife.

Limit your play time and set up times to play the game and stick to them.  Let your wife know that you have heard what she has been saying and let her know what your game times will be.  Then set up some alone time for the two of you, letting her know that you are setting aside time for just her as well.

When all is said and done your wife will be happier, and so will you.

Stress can be an overwhelming problem in a marriage.  Now we could sit here and go through all the reasons for worry and stress, money problems, jobs, etc. but the bottom line is that if you want to succeed in life and succeed in marriage, then you must find ways to reduce your stress and relax.

The following are some really wonderful ideas for inexpensive things that you can do to bond as a couple and reduce your stress.

1.  Take a vacation from reality.  You don’t need to actually go anywhere to do this.  Simply take some time off from life.  Turn off the phone, TV and computer.  Spend some time together.  If you have kids, send them to grandma’s house.  Give each other massages, take baths, do some reading together (not the newspaper) and essentially just block out everything for a day or two.  This will provide you both with a much needed break without having to spend a fortune on an expensive trip.

2.  Take a walk together.  Hold hands and talk.  The fresh air and endorphins will do both of you some good and give you both a much needed break.

3.  Exercise together.  Pick up a cheap yoga tape online.  There are some really great one’s for couples to do together.  Yoga is not only great for getting in shape, it is also very relaxing.

4.  Talk about what is really on your mind.  Letting go of emotions and feelings can really help to take the pressure off.  Create a time and place to just let go of some of the pressures of the day and share your thoughts, fears and concerns.  Sharing these with your life partner, can help you to feel better and they may be able to help you see solutions that you don’t see yourself.

Working together to help reduce stress is good for each of you as individuals and for you as a couple.  You may ask can reducing stress really save my marriage? And the answer is YES!

Even in the best relationship, your wife will compare how you react to her with how you react with others.  She will be constantly sizing herself up.  If she is hearing fond stories about the cute things that your ex did, or how you wish she cooked more like your mother does, she is going to feel that she is not good enough, or enough of what you want.

Keep in mind that your comments may not be this obvious, but even little innuendos that cause her to think that there is another woman in your life who even comes close to her, can actually cause some serious marriage problems.  You may think that this is a small issue, however your wife wants to know that you are happy with your decision to make her your wife, and that there is no one else in the world that could even come close to her.

You can do this by looking carefully at all the wonderful things that your wife brings to your life and your world.  There are reasons why you chose to marry her and to spend your life with her.  That is what you need to focus on and compliment her on.  Tell her every day the reasons that you love her, and that you appreciate all that she brings to your life.  If love is in your heart and in your mind, then all else will come together.

Next time you come home to a messy house and no dinner, acknowledge that is because your wife was taking care of the kids.  Then tell her that she is a wonderful and caring mother, and that you are so glad that she is mother to your children.  Then you and the kids can pick up the house and call for take out.  Sometimes you need to focus on all the good and none of the bad.

If there is one thing that your wife wants from you, it is to feel that she is the number one person in your life.  Many times conflicts in marriage can lead to a need for marriage counseling, but being aware of this fact, can turn things around.  Take this scenerio:

Mary is a working mom, she runs all day and comes home to kids, dinner, laundry, and so much more.  Hal comes home from work, usually about one hour after Mary, and when he does, he plops onto the couch.  When she asks him for help, he says that he is too tired, and sits watching the news frowning.  She believes that he is too tired from work, and doesn’t make a fuss, she just continues on and takes care of what needs to be done at home.  Then one night he comes in the door, all smiles telling Mary that he has been asked to go over to the neighbor’s to play cards with some of the guys.  Mary is thinking to herself, “Why is it that he has no energy when I ask for help, but he is happy to go out for the evening?” Whether he means it or not, Hal is telling Mary that she is not as important in his life as his friends are.

Many times we take our spouse for granted and put our own needs above theirs.  The problem is that when someone else wants or needs from us, we are more than willing to overextend to do for others.  Letting your wife know that she is your number one priority is something that can really help a marriage.  Put her on the top of your list instead of at the bottom and what you will find is that you will move up on her priority list as well.  She wants to be close with you, but she needs to feel that she matters to you, and you can let her know this by making time for her, to listen, to go out together, and to help her out.  These little things will let her know you care.  Then when the neighbor comes to call, you can say, “I am sorry, but I will be spending the evening with my wife.” Believe it or not this type of gesture will go a long way in showing your wife that she is on the very top of your list.

One of the basic principles believed and followed by some of the most prominent names in the world is the principle that what you focus on grows.  Essentially what this means is that when you focus on the negative or the lack in your life, then that is what you create more of.  The same is true with the positive.  Therefore, it stands to reason that you want to focus on the good that you have and nurture it to grow more plentiful.

This principle is easily carried over into a marital relationship.  Focusing not only on the positive things about your relationship but also in the positive aspects of your mate, can do wonders to not only turn around your marriage problems, but actually turn around your whole life.

Looking at your mate in a new light, can turn around your relationship and make you see your spouse in a whole new light.  If she is cheap, you can turn that around and say that she is always thinking about our future, or if she talks too much, you can say that she is friendly and a people person.  These are ways that you can turn around your thought process and focus on the positives that your mate provides in your life and in your relationship.

You must keep in mind that you can put a positive spin on just about anything, and remember that these are the things that attracted you to them in the beginning.  Expecting them to change to suit you is unrealistic, but what you can change is your perception of them, and if you do this I assure you that if you do this, you will find that they are more positive and attractive in your eyes.

Many men hear the words Marriage Counseling and freeze up.  I think perhaps this is because many men don’t want to air their problems to another person, and they don’t want to deal with the underlying emotions that having marriage problems can invoke.  This is what one man says about his reaction to marriage counseling and the Light Her Fire / Light His Fire:

I came in from work one day, not really knowing what my wife wanted from me, when she told me to come sit down with her at the table.  At first I really thought that someone had died or something horrible had happened, and then like that she just sprung it on me, “Honey, I think that we should go see a marriage counselor”.  I am not sure what the look on my face said at that moment, but I can tell you the thoughts that were running through my head, who me, why? Are you cheating on me? Am I not enough man for you? Don’t get me wrong, I did see that the spark wasn’t there anymore, but I thought that was just the way a marriage was.  Over time we had grown to me more like room mates, moving through the house trying to stay out of the other person’s way.  Sure we didn’t talk as much and didn’t have sex as much, but that was normal, wasn’t it? I told her I was fine with the idea of counseling, when in fact I really wasn’t.  I didn’t really see how bringing another person in was going to help us.  She made an appointment and I found the whole thing very mundane, she said what was bothering her, then I said my piece.  The counselor nodded a lot and threw in a few open-ended questions, but after a few weeks, I could see that we were just going around in circles.  I knew my wife must be truly unhappy if she thought we needed counseling, and she seemed to be getting very frustrated with the counseling.  I decided that I really needed something that could save my marriage, and so I began looking online and found Dr. Ellen’s Light His Fire and Light Her Fire.  The price was extremely reasonable, especially compared to how much we were spending on counseling each week, so I decided to order it.  Well, when it first arrived, I didn’t even tell my wife about it.  I figured I really needed to see if it was going to help.  I started to follow some of the advice that Dr. Ellen gave, and honestly, I was shocked that my wife responded so positively to the things I was doing.  A few days later, I shared Dr. Ellen’s program with her.  I can’t tell you how much this program has added to our lives and our marriage.  I never thought that we would ever feel this way about each other again.  Thanks Dr. Ellen, we couldn’t have done it without you.

Marriage problems are not uncommon, but working together to come through them is truly possible.  The one thing that you must keep in mind is that you need to work through and talk through a problem, however then in order to move past it, you must resolve to tuck it away.  Many people make this mistake and it is perhaps one of the biggest things that can drive a marriage into the ground.  One partner rehashing the past over and over again, bringing it up and then throwing it their wife’s face every chance they get.  Unfortunately, even the best marriage counseling can’t help if you aren’t willing to let go of something.

Take my friend Alex.  He was married with two children, and suspected that his wife was cheating on him.  Once he confirmed it, he confronted her and they talked about it.  She agreed to stop seeing the man and work on their relationship and she told him where she was every minute of the day.  She wanted to make him feel secure, and to some extent it worked over time it looked as if things were going better, but Alex couldn’t let go of it.  Every opportunity, even in front of others, he would make little digs or throw it up in her face.  Finally, over time, they started to grow apart again and they couldn’t get past the affair from over a year earlier.

This is what happens to many people.  It is not that you should forget about it, but you can’t heal a situation if you can’t move past it.  Brining up the past over and over again, will never give your spouse the opportunity to change and grow.  You need to make a choice and decide whether you want to work on your relationship or move on.   Putting in the effort to address your marriage problems means taking the initiative to put the past behind you and move on to a better future.  Throwing the past up in someone’s face over and over again, truly accomplishes nothing, because you can’t change the past, but you can change the future.

Here is a question most husbands ask themselves…What does my wife really want from me? The answer is really quite simple.  Do you remember your first date, or any first date that you have been on? Do you remember how attentive you were? How adoringly you looked at her? Well, that is exactly what she wants from you.  Whether she is all dressed up for an evening out or lounging around the house in her flannel pajamas, she wants to be your number one.  She wants you to be so in love with her that you can’t help but want to be near her.  Everyday she wants to feel as if there is no one you would rather be with in the whole wide world.

It may not be as simple as that for you, but I am telling you right now if you can put yourself in the mind set of how you felt when the two of you first started dating, it will help not only your wife, but your relationship with her.

I think back to one night when my husband and I were first dating.  I was working and when I came out of work to my car he had put a giant teddy bear in my drivers seat, and a little baby bear in my daughter’s car seat.  It was by far one of the cutest things that he has done to date, not very expensive just thoughtful.  Thoughtful ideas don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, just ideas from the heart, that let her know that you were thinking about her and that you care.  It can be difficult to come up with creative ideas, but trust me it is worth the efforts.  The truth is in the same way that most men are still little boys at heart, most women are little girls, and just want to be coddled, loved and appreciated.

And even when your wife says, it doesn’t matter, the truth is it does.  Try it and see how her face lights up and her heart lightens with just a few sweet gestures.  It makes a big difference.

Personally in my own marriage, one of the biggest struggles we have lately is over money.  My husband thinks that he works too hard to not have any, yet he comes from a background where his mother kept all the money from his father, and so on some level, he thinks that I am trying to get over or something.  It doesn’t happen all the time, but when something comes up and he feels he should have money, he panics to say the least.

Just this past week, my husband was asked what he would be getting me for my birthday.  Realizing that he hadn’t even thought about it and the fact that money is still tight, he knew he wasn’t really going to get me anything.  He politely told the woman, who by the way meant no harm by her inquiry, that he didn’t know.  He came home in a foul mood, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on, when I finally got it out of him, that he was upset that he couldn’t get me anything for my birthday.

Please understand that I am a very non-materialistic person.  The things that matter most to me are my family and friends.  I don’t really want for or ask for things, I am content just being.  Well, during this exchange he was nearly yelling at me.  I tried explaining to him that I knew this was frustrating him, but that coupling the fact that he couldn’t get me a birthday present, with yelling at me was just really not what I needed with my impending birthday.  He did snap out of it and realize what he had done.

The point is, there are truly a million different things that he could do to make my birthday special for me, without spending a dime.  He could make a romantic dinner, write me a letter, a poem, do something nice for me, or any number of other things.  The money is not what is important to me, hasn’t been since the day we met.  All I want is to be acknowledged and loved by those I love.  For me that means more than any million dollar item that he could buy.  Thoughtfulness, doesn’t have to cost money.

There are so many issues that effect people in relationships, yet many times they come back to one key issue…TRUST. From a very early age we learn very quickly that people don’t always want to hear the truth from us, and at first we learn to tell the “nice lies”. You know the ones like you look really nice in that outfit, or I am really glad that you came over today. Eventually we also learn to use lying as a way to protect ourselves from the fallout. Telling people the truth about things that they may not like and that they may never even find out about, becomes something that we avoid at all costs. Eventually, we learn what to say and when, and when omitting the truth is the wisest decision, but is it ever really wise?

In a relationship, honesty is the foundation, and quite honestly without it a relationship just can’t succeed. How can your spouse trust you if you aren’t being completely honest? Well, it is time to turn things around and start being honest, first with yourself. Then you need to start telling the truth about everything, in a kind way. If you are keeping secrets, then ask yourself, wouldn’t I want to know if she was doing this, or if she was feeling this way? In order to be lovers, you need to be friends. Friends tell each other the truth, and if you can’t be yourself and tell your spouse the truth about things, then ultimately what do you have?